Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
