I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
