i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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