No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
