She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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