I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
