During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
