I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
