I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
