how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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