got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
