Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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