Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
