Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
