she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
