i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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