i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
