Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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