it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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