Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
