Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
