i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
