Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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