I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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