You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
