I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
