I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
