I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
