She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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