Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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