You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
