Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
