I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
