If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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