Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
