I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
