She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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