what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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