Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
