i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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