the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
