I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
