I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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