I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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