i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
