Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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