i just google imaged poop.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
