I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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