If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
