The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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