walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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