I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
